


Heartbeat

by petals_sunwards



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Cute, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Feelings Realization, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Friendship/Love, Love Confessions, Love Letters, One Shot, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Short & Sweet, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 05:18:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17481947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petals_sunwards/pseuds/petals_sunwards
Summary: For a very long time, James Barnes had kept track of his existence by counting his steady heartbeats. One heartbeat equals one second in his life. This is the story about how his heart last skipped a beat on three billion, six hundred and twenty-nine million, forty-nine thousand and four hundred and eightieth second of his existence because of his angel.





	Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Winter Soldier and do not use him for any commercial profitable purposes. I occasionally borrow this super soldier badass to cuddle and write cute fluffy one-shots.

_Four days, eleven hours and thirty minutes since he last spoke with you._  
_Three agonizingly long sleepless nights when he picked up his phone and put it down without calling you._  
_Eleven long hours he spent outside the surgical ward to see you after he received the news._  
_Last thirty torturous minutes he spent staring at your unconscious form._

Bucky shifted in his seat next to your hospital bed, too stunned to think about anything else. It was a habit of the winter soldier that had stuck around, keeping track of how much time had passed.

Time was Winter Soldier's only companion; silent, merciless and constant. It was the only entity that would stick around his head after every mission. Every time he woke, his brain would feel fuzzy with unknown faces flashing around but he would remember the last number he had counted. At first, it hadn't made sense, but soon Winter Soldier had caught on. He couldn't tell how and when he killed his victims, but he could tell how many days he had been awake when he killed them. He could tell which face associated with what second of his life because he counted. Winter Soldier had counted every breath he had taken in his life and converted it into a quantifiable time. He had counted his heartbeats, which would be steady irrespective of the situation, along with his breaths. Even though it was meaningless, Winter Soldier had kept track of his life in the only way he could. A heartbeat equaled a second; a breath counted as two seconds of his life and that's how he counted how long he existed. 

This was the real reason James Buchanan Barnes could never control his panic attacks. In fact, getting control over his breaths or heartbeats reminded Bucky of his life as a Winter Soldier. He never counted how many nightmares he had endured or how many hopeless nights he had spent. Nights were next thing on his hate-list after 'time'. Darkness was the another constant, majority of unknown faces in his nightmares were surrounded by darkness. Winter soldier hunted his victims at night and was put to sleep before the daybreak. Combination of darkness and silence reminded him of Winter Soldier. He associated the noise of his thudding heart and his steady breaths with Winter Soldier. Awareness of his own heartbeats haunted him, just like Winter Soldier had haunted the world.

Bucky shook himself and tried to pull himself out of the approaching panic attack. He focused his attention on your heartbeats instead. The sedative had slowed your heart beat a little, but it was still pulsing faster than his own. A nostalgic smile spread on his face as he fondly remembered your first encounter.

A few months ago, he had heard an erratic heartbeat outside his dark apartment window. He had readied himself for an oncoming attack but it never came. An unknown figure climbed down the fire exit, sat on one of the stairs drinking a hot chocolate. Baffled, Bucky concentrated on the silhouette, picking up any signs she would be a threat. But she merely sat there, sighing and sipping her hot chocolate. Her heart rate never decreased either, lulling him into a sense of security. He fell asleep trying to find a pattern in those beats. Eventually, it became a tradition. The mystery woman appeared in the fire exit every night, simply sitting there, sipping her beverage and Bucky listened to her heartbeats from his open window. Her pulse rate, unlike his, never followed any pattern. It was like an angel singing him a lullaby, putting him to a dreamless sleep.

The first time Bucky had actually seen his angel in person was two months after the fire-exit incident. He had been catching up with Sam when an enthusiastic young woman had introduced herself as his next-door neighbor and proceeded to sit at their table with her friend in tow. Sam had quickly hit it off with your friend leaving him to talk to you. He had learned a lot about you over that coffee. Both of you shared a love for history, museums, and coffee. Time had stilled as you traded book recommendations and discussed your favorite museums. What Bucky had intended to be a small-talk, turned into a passionate debate. By the time your coffee was over, you had exchanged numbers and planned a visit to the Brooklyn Museum.

Because of his recurring dates with cyrostatic freezers, James Buchanan Barnes treated life as a fragile gift. With all SHIELD missions and assassination attempts, he knew his life would end at any moment. In fact, this very thought had encouraged him to be your friend. He had been surrounded by wars and missions and deadlines, even when he was a kid. In his overly complicated life, you were the simplest person he had come across. He cherished whatever time he could spend with you. Listening to you rambling about your day reminded him how different your life was from his own. Your biggest fear was going alone for a dentist appointment and your archenemy was the guy who had gotten his hands on the last copy of 'Battle Cry of Freedom' in the library. The worst crime you were guilty of was forgetting to pay for lipstick and you still felt guilty for giving wrong directions to a lost tourist three years ago. The decision you struggled with the most in your day to day life was about which ice-cream flavor to pick and it amused him to no end. Not that he was undermining you, but your problems were pretty light-hearted compared to the crazy circus he called life. A prospect of helping you out to sort them was a motivation that kept him going when things got rough.

However, looking at your little form, wrapped in bandages and connected to beeping machines, it all seemed like a distant memory. It wasn't supposed to happen. Your life was supposed to be a fairy-tale. Every good thing was supposed to come your way and a drunk driver ramming you on the glass display wasn't one of them.

Somewhere between museum visits and exploring every coffee shop you two had grown closer.  Everyday Bucky found out something new about you. There were small things like how you always drank two coffees every morning and how he could deduce what kind of day you had thanks to what you drank at night. It was hilarious how you tried not to swear when you were upset but would start cursing at random because you dropped something. You were one of the few people who still held a library card and you passionately hated people who dog-eared books. There were so many aspects of your seemingly simple personality. You were the sweetest and kindest soul he had come across, but the underlying steel in your nerves hadn't gone unnoticed. The more he spent time around you, more intrigued he was. He needed answers to so many questions.  
Why there was a booby-trapped drawer in your kitchen?   
Where was your seemingly endless and extremely well-hidden candy stash?   
Why did you always skip the last three steps while going down the stairs?   
Why did you sneak into fire exit every night?   
**and most importantly would you ever acknowledge you loved him?**

Bucky laughed to himself bitterly as he recalled last time he had heard your laughter. You were packing for your friend's bachelorette party and regaling him with tales of your college adventures. You were slightly drunk and telling him about how you had accidentally set up your friends at a party.

"I really meant to give her number of my other friend. I knew she was crushing on him like forever..." you spoke trying to control your giggles."But it was a bad week and I hadn't slept in like 2 days so I texted her number of other KJ. See, I am not really good with names and these guys both share same first name and same initials so I did an obvious mistake. But hey it did work out in the end." you were shaking with laughter by the time you finished your story.

Who knew you were a chatty and excited drunk. More you drank, more stories followed.

"Bucky you remember that day in the coffee shop? When I came over and introduced myself and we talked for the first time? " You slurred. "My friend was really interested in Sam. She was going on and on about how handsome and brave Falcon is and how he is an avenger. I just got bored and decided to give her a chance to flirt him"

"I never understood it really. Never ever found anyone interesting enough! No boyfriends, no drama” 

"Do you know my friend, back from high school, she was like really in love with this other guy and he was so cute I always wanted to punch him in the face for making her a babbling mess." You had moved on to the next story without registering Bucky's silence.

You were oblivious to how Bucky felt about you. You didn’t know how bright your smile was, how beautiful your eyes were or how much happiness you brought into his life. You were blissfully ignorant about how your presence soothed a panic attack of the deadliest assassin in the world or how you have become a moon of his life. But he had no clue about how to confess his feelings. He had decided to use these four days to come up with a master plan to ask you out.

Bucky let out a sigh. So much for the planning. If everything had gone according to the plan, you two would be at the central park, lying side by side and if he were lucky, Bucky would have kissed you under the moon. But here he was, sitting next to the broken body of the girl he had fallen in love with.

_One hundred and Seven hours since he had found a hand-written letter slid under his apartment door_.  
Eighty-fou _r agonizingly long hours he had tried to find a suitable way to confront you about the letter_.  
Twenty-thre _e hours since a drunkard asshole left you on the street to bleed out and die_.  
Eleve _n and half hours he spent in a fear of losing you forever_.  
Forty-fiv _e torturous minutes he tried to calm himself hoping you would be okay._  

His hand reached to his pocket and he pulled out your letter. Reading words you had penned down was a way to feel little closer to you. It didn't matter how many times he had read it, the letter filled him with hope.

> **Dear Bucky,**

> **I have dreaded doing this for many days. Spending innumerable sleepless nights in drafting this letter because it has to be just perfect.**
> 
> **And that line is everything wrong with me. I crave for perfection so much, I am afraid I will spoil something so exquisite by writing it down. However, the time has screwed me badly and has robbed my sanity as it fled.**
> 
> **There are so many things I need to tell you. About me-about you-about US!! But I can't find the perfect place to start. Usually, I am not this messy. I know exactly what-to-say, how-to-say, which words to choose but not today...**
> 
> **I could say "I didn't know what I wanted until you came along..." However, it's not the truth. I always knew what I wanted from my life.**
> 
> **Or maybe I could say "We met and it was like finding the missing piece of the puzzle." Again, it would be a lie.**
> 
> **To be honest, you have messed up my life.  You have created havoc inside my mind.**
> 
> **My life was an organized place. My thoughts, my feelings everything in the order.**
> 
> **I always made friends. So many of them. But no one made me think as you do.**
> 
> **Rather, nobody made me wonder 'what the hell am I thinking'!!**
> 
> **I used to be in control of my thoughts. I always knew I could handle it. I could trump almost anything.**
> 
> **But then you happened...**
> 
> **Life ran its course and we started getting along rather well. We became friends. And now here we are...**
> 
> **You have turned my life, my mind upside down. You have occupied a permanent place in my mind.**
> 
> **There is a portion which always kept me wondering 'But what about James' at oddest hours.**
> 
> **There is a part which always makes me rethink about all my ambitions, all of my dreams and yearns to run into the solace of your arms.**
> 
> **Somehow you blended in my happy place as if you were the part of it my whole life!!**
> 
> **And surprising as it sounds. It scares me.**
> 
> **I have never been consumed by emotions before...**
> 
> **We always do good things for people. Really nice, helpful things. Mostly because we are supposed to do that.**
> 
> **But there is that one person. For whom you do nice things simply because you want to...**
> 
> **Because you are fond of that smile, lighting up their face which makes you smile in return.!**
> 
> **You take a special effort for them because with each smile your need to earn that smile grows a little.**
> 
> **And my special one is you!! I could do almost anything for you!**
> 
> **It terrifies me because it doesn't make any logical sense to me.**
> 
> **Aren't these things supposed to happen in romantic dramas and happily-ever-after fairy-tales?**
> 
> **I am not the heroine in a drama who would stumble across a guy by accident and everything will fall into its place magically. I am the girl who is too logical to trust in miracles and too cynic to believe in love.**
> 
> **I am no princess. I am that knight who is still molding her shining armor and learning to ride her white horse and taking falls too often for her liking.**
> 
> **I don't know what love is and if I will ever feel the magic in it. That grand feeling around which so many masterpieces are built.**
> 
> **It's a place where I should say Thank you... Thank you for such turmoil in my heart!!  (It could be my tachycardia acting up)**
> 
> **I never was sure if I was capable of feeling such emotions...**
> 
> **Now I understand why people say you become a poet after falling in love...**
> 
> **Everything is better. Little more in harmony.**
> 
> **I have found a different melody which I will treasure through my life.**
> 
> **That will be my perfect ending.**
> 
> **You realizing that once upon a time there was a little naïve girl who loved you unconditionally without wanting you to love her in return.**

 There was no way in hell he could believe those words when he read the letter first time. Somehow, he had never expected to be at the receiving end of this argument. Hearing (reading) these words from the woman he loved, was ironic. He had thought about multiple scenarios where you would let him down gently. He had thought about you friend-zoning him with an angelic smile or using your work as an excuse. But never in his wildest dreams had he thought about you breaking down and telling him you didn’t deserve him. He was prepared to beg you to consider his proposal and had half-constructed counter-arguments. However, the scenario he hadn’t anticipated was receiving a passionate declaration of seemingly unrequited love. Oh, how much he had longed to find you and clear somethings for you. Your letter vocalized everything he felt for you. Down to the belief that it was one-sided.

Was this a retribution for all crimes he had committed?

It was fitting, his chance of happiness whisked away by a stranger in dark. He could feel unknown faces in his nightmares mocking him, satisfied with their revenge. He could accept any form of torture, but a sweet innocent girl lying on a deathbed was heart-breaking. This could not be happening. He could not lose you like this. He could not let you leave his side. He had to tell you how much he loved you. He had to tell you how you made him feel warm and fuzzy inside. How your laughter was the music that soothed his soul. How you were the lullaby that gave him the courage to close his eyes at the night.

He had never felt so out of control and so helpless. There was nothing he could do to make it better. He couldn't fight his way out of this. He finally understood what you meant by not taking responsibility and trusting some higher power about the final judgment. Somewhere deep inside his soul, he felt faith stirring. The gloominess in him lifted a little as he called upon all deities to pass judgment. He promised to protect his guardian angel if they gave him another chance. He begged for a miracle, he begged for forgiveness and he begged for you.

_Nine months since you had entered in his life._  
_Two hundred and twenty-three days since you had first smiled at him._  
_Three thousand six hundred and fifty hours since he first realized he is falling for you._  
_Six thousand four hundred and thirty minutes since he had a fleeting hope of securing your affections._  
_Fifty thousand four hundred and eighty-two seconds since you started battling for your life._  

He didn't believe in the world where you were condemned to die while he stood on sidelines and did nothing. He lost himself in the memories, going back nine months and calibrating his mind to store every second he spent with you. He tried to pull up all smiles you had shared and all the times you brought a little sunshine in his life.

" You can't leave me Doll. You are my anchor. Doll please open your eyes and let me be free of this nightmare. I have lost so much in my life, I can't lose you too. I would go mad with grief if you are not in my life. Doll please don't leave me." He sobbed in his hands.

"I love you Doll. I have been in love with you for a while now." He managed to confess. It made him feel lighter. Telling you how he felt about you. He took your hand in his and continued.

"Never ever doubt for a moment that I love you. I will fight for you till my last breath and you are not giving up on me. Doll, I.."  Bucky stopped mid-sentence when he felt a light squeeze.

_One thousand Three hundred and Eighty months since he has been this happy._  
_Three million, Three hundred sixty thousand Two hundred and Thirty-one days since the last time he confessed his feelings to anyone._  
_Ten million, eighty thousand and six hundred and ninety-three hours since anyone has loved him in return.  
_ _Sixty million, four hundred and eighty-four thousand and one hundred and fifty-eighty minutes since he had referred to anyone as HIS.  
_ _Three billion, six hundred and twenty-nine million, forty-nine thousand and four hundred and eighty seconds since his heart last skipped a beat._


End file.
